Recognizing That Marriage Is a Covenant, Not a Convenience

When entering into marriage, a man and a woman enter into a binding covenant before Jehovah God, not a temporary arrangement based on mutual benefit or emotional highs. Malachi 2:14 calls the wife “your companion and your wife by covenant,” stressing that marriage is not to be treated lightly. This covenant relationship implies permanence, selflessness, and commitment regardless of fluctuating feelings.

In this covenant, offenses will happen. A raised voice, a misunderstood word, neglected responsibilities—these moments are not rare. Even godly couples sometimes wound each other. When Colossians 3:13 says, “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone,” it does not exclude marriage. In fact, the phrase “cause for complaint” directly applies to married life, where two imperfect people live in daily proximity.

Thus, when feelings are hurt, the Bible does not suggest ignoring the offense, nor does it permit letting bitterness grow. Instead, it offers a path for honest acknowledgment, spiritual accountability, and loving restoration.

Understanding the Nature of Hurt Within Marriage

Hurt feelings in marriage are not necessarily a sign of failure. They are the result of sin’s influence on communication, expectations, and self-interest. James 3:2 admits, “For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man.” Spouses, therefore, will hurt each other—sometimes unintentionally, sometimes carelessly, and on occasion, even deliberately during moments of weakness.

Hurt can take the form of critical words, neglect, sharp tone, sarcasm, indifference, or thoughtlessness. It can also come through failure to support, a lack of tenderness, or breaking confidence. The reaction to these wounds varies depending on emotional maturity and spiritual strength, but one universal response Scripture commands is not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26). This principle especially applies to spouses who share the same bed, the same home, and the same calling to reflect Christ’s love.

Avoiding the Silent Treatment and Passive Aggression

One of the most dangerous responses to hurt in marriage is silent withdrawal. This can take the form of cold shoulders, avoidance, or passive resistance. Though not as dramatic as verbal conflict, it is equally destructive. Proverbs 17:14 warns that “the beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” But abandoning communication altogether is not the solution.

When spouses resort to silence as a weapon or wall, they are not protecting the marriage; they are starving it of oxygen. Ephesians 4:29 commands, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up.” Avoiding speech altogether when hurt is a form of relational corruption. It must be replaced with constructive communication rooted in humility and grace.

The Biblical Way to Bring Up a Complaint

Colossians 3:13 encourages us to “forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” But it begins with the phrase “bearing with one another,” indicating that some offenses must be endured with patience. Not every offense needs a confrontation. Love “covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8), and many annoyances or irritations in marriage must be overlooked through spiritual maturity.

However, when the offense is repetitive, wounding, or interferes with trust or intimacy, it must be addressed. Jesus taught in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” A spouse qualifies as a “brother” or “sister” in Christ. Therefore, a wife or husband must confront sin or hurt—not out of anger, but out of love for the offender and for the health of the marriage.

This means the wounded spouse must choose a time that is conducive to peace, speak with gentleness (Proverbs 15:1), avoid accusations, and describe the offense factually, not emotionally. For instance, “I felt hurt when you said…” is more productive than “You always hurt me.” The goal is reconciliation, not retaliation.

The Role of Humility and Self-Examination

Whenever we have a “cause for complaint” against a spouse, we must examine our own heart before confronting them. Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7:3–5 about removing the log from our own eye is essential. Too often, offenses are exaggerated by personal insecurity, pride, or unrealistic expectations.

Philippians 2:3 instructs, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” If you approach your spouse as a prosecutor instead of a fellow sinner in need of grace, the discussion will fail. Genuine humility allows one to admit where they contributed to the misunderstanding or problem, even while addressing a real hurt.

Often, when both spouses pause to examine their own hearts, they discover that the conflict was preventable, and their anger disproportionate. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

How to Receive a Complaint Without Defensiveness

It is one thing to make a complaint biblically; it is another to receive one graciously. Defensive reactions such as blaming, minimizing, mocking, or counterattacking only deepen wounds and destroy trust. Proverbs 15:31 says, “The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.”

Listening is not passive. It means truly hearing your spouse’s concern, even if the delivery is imperfect, and considering how your actions may have affected them. James 1:19 gives the framework: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” If this verse governed all marital conversations, most wounds would be quickly healed.

Receiving a complaint with humility also means asking forgiveness—specifically and without conditions. Avoid saying, “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.” Instead, acknowledge, “I was wrong to speak that way. Will you forgive me?” This kind of humility invites healing.

Forgiveness: The Heart of Marital Restoration

No marriage can survive without regular and sincere forgiveness. Marriage is a laboratory for practicing the kind of forgiveness that God extends to sinners. We forgive “just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). This is not a feeling but a decision to release the offense, refuse to dwell on it, and not bring it up again for condemnation.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, in the literal sense. Rather, it means not using the memory as a weapon. God remembers our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12)—that is, He does not hold them against us. The same must be true in marriage. Forgiveness must also be repeated. When Peter asked if forgiving “seven times” was sufficient, Jesus replied, “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22), teaching that forgiveness must be unlimited.

Forgiveness does not guarantee immediate restoration of trust or intimacy, especially in cases of repeated offenses. But it does open the door for those things to be rebuilt. It clears the spiritual ledger and allows love to thrive again.

Replacing Resentment With Constructive Grace

Once forgiveness is extended, it must be followed by active restoration. This means replacing resentment with acts of kindness (Romans 12:20), prayer for the other’s spiritual growth (Philippians 1:9–11), and efforts to rebuild joy and intimacy. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love “keeps no record of wrongs.” This does not mean we ignore patterns of sin, but that we actively combat bitterness by meditating on what is good and noble (Philippians 4:8) about our spouse.

Over time, those who forgive repeatedly and seek reconciliation often find that their marriage becomes stronger, not weaker. The wounds, though real, become scars that testify to grace, not shame.

When One Spouse Refuses to Reconcile

Sometimes, despite best efforts, one spouse refuses to address or admit their faults. They may ignore complaints, continue sinful behavior, or manipulate through emotional withdrawal. In such cases, the offended spouse must continue to obey God, even if the partner does not change.

Romans 12:18 provides the balance: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Peace is not always possible, but obedience is. The faithful spouse must keep walking in integrity, guarding their heart from bitterness, and entrusting the situation to God’s justice (1 Peter 2:23).

If the behavior crosses into abuse, abandonment, or adultery, those situations require distinct biblical counsel and potentially separation for protection (Matthew 19:9). However, in most hurt-feeling situations, the path of patient endurance, prayer, and consistent love will, over time, soften hearts and restore peace.

Walking in Grace Together: A Continual Practice

Marital unity is not automatic—it is cultivated. Colossians 3:12–14 offers the model: “Put on then… compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience… forgiving each other… And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” These are not mere sentiments but deliberate actions that must be “put on” daily.

When spouses both walk in these truths, marriage becomes a place of safety, healing, and spiritual growth. Hurt feelings will still come, but they will be met with truth, grace, and the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7).

You May Also Enjoy

Pursue Peace: A Biblical Mandate for Godly Relationships and Christian Maturity

About the Author